Trading body armor for intimacy…

I’ve been moved by this message this morning, “Trade your body armor for intimacy,” because it’s been coming up a lot in the last few days. Let me explain what I mean by this.

Body armor can come in many forms – excess weight, an eating disorder, isolation, feelings. What do I mean by that?

Woman #1 is overweight. Her weight has kept her from being intimate with SELF (the most important person in her life).  She’s allowed her weight to be her protective body armor for most of her life. She’s allowed it to be her identity and protect her from all kinds of things. I can relate.I know when I was overeating as a kid, my weight was my body armor. Through my dieting years, if I gained weight back, It was like “Screw the world. It’s me and my weight. Only my weight will love and protect me.” Then as I began to lose it for the longterm, I would get scared of that physical vulnerability, people checking me out. It was terrifying and I know it is terrifying for many people who lose a lot of weight. And it can often be the reason they gain it back – fear of vulnerability. Comfort with what they think keeps them safe and ultimately does the opposite. I had to separate myself from my weight and stop letting it stop me.

Woman #2 is suffering from bulimia. Her eating disorder is keeping her from intimacy with a man and herself.  The ED is trying to lay claim to her and keep her from being intimate with a guy. It’s trying to be that guy for her. What’s worse is it’s trying to tell her that it will protect her, take care of her. ALL LIES because everything it tells her pushes her further away from intimacy. When my eating habits developed into an eating disorder, it was my armor. It was my boyfriend because there was no one else getting between us. Problem was that it was keeping me from the world. I had to separate myself from ED and realize, “Wow. That is NOT me.”

Both excess weight and the eating disorder are what I consider forms of body armor. One is external. One is more secretive. We think they protect us, but they don’t. They convince is that we must defend them, but in order to live – we can’t. We MUST separate ourselves from the weight we carry or the eating disorder we keep a secret. We must call them out and say we ARE NOT that. We must separate ourselves. For if we don’t, we’ll continue to suffer. I know that because of my history with both of these and other things in my life, I could choose to push away intimacy where I need it most. But as a recovering person, I cannot. I know I must continue to walk through my fears with it and become more aware of who I am as a woman. I challenge you – to walk through the fear of losing your false protection and embrace your vulnerability. THAT Is where you will find your power.